Ryan Says Things

A promotional still for my upcoming screenwriting debut —...

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 02:45:00 -0500

A promotional still for my upcoming screenwriting debut — a ZZ Top biopic/martial arts genre mash-up entitled, She’s Got Legs (She Knows How to Use Them…to Kick You Square in Your Fucking Face) — accompanied by a snippet of a cover of Snoop’s well-known Magnum opus, “Gin ‘N’ Juice,” from the film’s No-Fi* soundtrack.

*I’ve created a subset of Lo-Fi music that is so low in quality that it actually has absolutely no fidelity to it whatsoever.

After having both read and watched (the film adaptation of)...

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 02:57:24 -0400

After having both read and watched (the film adaptation of) Savages, I can strongly recommend both, with one small caveat.

*Possible Spoilers Ahead*

Two men are able to and make a business of custom growing strands of marijuana to suit your personal preferences regarding the high? OK, I’ll buy that. (The premise, not the actual weed. Wait, Why? Do you have some? I’m just asking for a friend.)
…

Those same two men are willing to take on a Mexican drug cartel, in what will surely end be a suicide mission? Sure. Hey, everyone has a point they should not be pushed past.

Those same two men are actually going to win their battle against the cartel? You know what, why not? Everyone has a weakness, and if they find a way to exploit it — David Vs. Goliath.

Those same two men — those Master of Marijuana, nay, Demigods of Dank — are both in love with the same woman; a woman who (according to the novel) would light a bong with a ZIPPO lighter?

A ZIPPO?!

Do I look like a fucking moron? Is this National Treat Ryan Like a Dumb Asshole Day? That is completely unrealistic, and if I’m being frank, my sensibilities are offended.

Given the Google search history on my phone, perhaps clearing...

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 01:37:44 -0400

Given the Google search history on my phone, perhaps clearing the history isn’t such a bad idea after all; along with taking a good, long, uncomfortable look in the mirror.

Photo

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 16:29:06 -0400

This morning, I woke up with spots of blood all over my...

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 23:51:25 -0400

This morning, I woke up with spots of blood all over my shirt, and what appears to be some sort of friction burn on the tip of my penis. Tomorrow, I will spend the day re-reevaluating my decision making skills, because my previous reevaluation obviously was not effective.

Had we had the internet when I was in elementary school, I can...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:10:02 -0500

Had we had the internet when I was in elementary school, I can almost guarantee I would have used this picture for all of my classmates’ Valentine’s Day cards.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

After reading this, I am very uncomfortably erect. On second...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:49:50 -0500

After reading this, I am very uncomfortably erect. On second thought, it’s not that uncomfortable.

kissmeimlazy:

If your reaction upon seeing the above photo was something along the lines of “awwww” then I should probably apologize for your what you’re about to read. The following paragraphs may forever change your life, or at least the way you think about ducks. From here on out, you will likely associate our webfooted friends with just one thing- Rape.

You may have heard some things throughout the course of your education, scholastically or otherwise, about the mating habits of ducks- their display of plumage to attract potential mates, that once that ideal mate is found ducks will stay in lifelong, monogamous relationships. All of those things are true. But those are only the happy endings. Problem is, come mating time, not all the ducks get paired off. So the remaining male ducks get together all Clockwork Orange style for some good old fashioned gang rape.

The male ducks (“drakes” for those keeping track) will surround and chase a lone female duck (“hen”) until one of them catches her, at which point they take turns forcing themselves on her while the others hold her down. They’re not gentle about it either. They tend to restrain the lady duck by stepping on or biting her neck, which can cause the hen to die of strangulation, or if they’re caught in the water, which is fairly common seeing as they’re ducks, drowning. This phases the drakes not at all. They will keep running a train on that dead hen until they all get their turn, which can take hours. And it’s got nothing to do with breeding either. Some ducks will gangrape other species of birds that it would be impossible to mate with, while some go straight prison style and rape other male ducks just for shits and giggles. One researcher observed two drakes flying when one hit window and died. The other duck swooped down and gay fucked that corpse for seventy-five minutes.

And if their penchant for homonecrophilia and forced sodomy wasn’t enough, a 2007 Yale study proposes that ducks have genetically evolved to become better at rape. I think it’s fair to assume you’ve probably seen a fair share of birds in your lifetime. But you ever seen a bird dick? Probably not, because the vast majority don’t have them. Because they don’t need them. 97% of birds, both male and female, just have an unassuming hole that they line up against their partners hole, presumably while basked in the moonlight and making that little heart shape that two swans do when they press their beaks together. That’s all fine and dandy if your lovemaking is consensual, but when your partner is fighting and squirming, it helps to have something to thrust into them, which is believed to be why ducks have penises. And as these hens have learned to run faster, those penises have just gotten longer. Up to seventeen inches, or twice the body length of some ducks, giving them the largest cock to body ratio of any advanced member of the animal kingdom. They also have some of the strongest retractile muscles, so that they essentially grab a fleeing lady duck with their penises and pull it back towards them like a frog catching a fly. And just to make sure she doesn’t get away, the duck penis has evolved into a hold fast corkscrew shape.

These specialized rape rods of the male ducks haven’t gone unanswered by nature however, duck vaginas have adapted as well. Similar to the anti-rape condoms worn by villagers in war torn Africa, the duck vagina has learned to twist in a corkscrew shape that’s opposite of that of the intruding duck dick when tensed, making this rape way more difficult and painful than it need be. And because a duck doesn’t like making rape babies any more than any other species, they’ve developed a second, fake vagina. Well it’s still technically a real vagina I suppose, it just doesn’t actually lead anywhere, meaning the eggs they lay and the genes they spread will ideally belong to that lifelong loving partner, not a pack of roving duck rapists.

And now you’ll never have to have an awkward lull in conversation during first dates again. Don’t say I never did you any favors.

Apparently, the childhood nickname given to me by my grandmother...

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:27:00 -0400

Apparently, the childhood nickname given to me by my grandmother (R.I.P.) is now also the name of a brand name item. Weird.

Never one to waver from his convictions, he refused to allow...

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:37:00 -0400

Never one to waver from his convictions, he refused to allow his life to Flash before his eyes. Classic Steve. R.I.P. Steve Jobs.

Taking a cue from Dr. Phil, I finally take the first step in...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 19:11:00 -0400

Taking a cue from Dr. Phil, I finally take the first step in ending the silence on dogmestic violence by speaking out against the daily beratings from an angry lover.

From victim to victor, one day — and bruise — at a time.

Well, that’s a bit forward of you, Doctor; but if...

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:48:55 -0400

Well, that’s a bit forward of you, Doctor; but if that’s what it takes to maintain a clean bill of health, I guess your coat won’t be the only white I’ll be seeing that day, nor the only white you’ll be wearing.

And it’s official: I am thirteen years old.

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 03:51:48 -0400

And it’s official: I am thirteen years old.

The trilogy is complete.

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 00:29:38 -0400

The trilogy is complete.

If I’m wrong it’s an entirely honest mistake, and...

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 02:54:15 -0400

If I’m wrong it’s an entirely honest mistake, and it would still make a dead-eye (or brown eye) description of a movie dealing with such subject (and possibly fecal) matter.

I gotta say, today was a good (hair) day.

Sat, 02 Jul 2011 11:55:00 -0400

I gotta say, today was a good (hair) day.

Anatomy of a Murder

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 22:28:00 -0400

Her: Do you hear this dog over here?
Me: I do. She is getting buck wild, just like her mother.
Her: I’m going to kill her if she keeps it up.
Me: Let’s do it. Let’s kill her this weekend. What?
Her: I wouldn’t put it past you.
Me: Actually, the next time she claws my face, I might. And then I’m going to search for “chloroform” and “neck breaking” on your computer. And other disturbing things, like “Disney stars' addresses” and “bukakke.”
Her: You would want me to be embarrassed on top of being found guilty.
Me: I’d be slipping the prosecutor notes to make sure she’d ask the forensic computer expert, “What is this last search, and can you clarify exactly what that is?”
Her: And you’ll volunteer to explain. “That is my field of expertise, judge. I’ve been masturbating to it since I was twelve.”
Me: “I could arrange a live demonstration if it pleases the court.”

"There was a time — not long ago — when no amount of blood, semen, vomit, urine, feces,..."

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 05:10:00 -0400

“There was a time — not long ago — when no amount of blood, semen, vomit, urine, feces, or any other substance contained within the human body could prevent me from watching a video on the internet. That time has since all but passed, and with it so have my last fleeting moments of childhood; and effectively, my happiness.”

- Me, on (somewhat begrudgingly) transitioning into “adulthood”

Second verse, awfully similar to the first.

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 05:07:00 -0400

Second verse, awfully similar to the first.

Eventually omitted from Stephen King’s 2008 collection...

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 04:56:00 -0400

Eventually omitted from Stephen King’s 2008 collection of short stories, Just After Sunset, this rough draft offers an interesting glimpse into the creative process from inception to publication.

Conversate for a few, ‘cause in a few, we gon’ do...

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 04:41:00 -0400

Conversate for a few, ‘cause in a few, we gon’ do what we came to do, ain’t that right, boo? (True)

I, for one, would not have taken Biggie for a Lacrosse fan. “Anyone: Tyson, Jordan, Jackson; action, pack guns…” Maybe he was referencing different athletes than we all thought. Mo’ money, mo’ poke checks, I guess.

Note: A “Poke Check” is apparently a defensive maneuver in Lacrosse, and not when you purposefully brush your erection against someone while watching for their reaction in order to gauge their sexual interest in you, as I first assumed.

Due to this newfound information, I retract my previous statement — I do not “poke check all the time, like I’m in the desert with a dowsing rod.”

I cannot, however, comment — with any type of certitude — as to whether or not I actually refer to my penis as a “dowsing rod.”