After reading this, I am very uncomfortably erect. On second thought, it’s not that uncomfortable.
If your reaction upon seeing the above photo was something along the lines of “awwww” then I should probably apologize for your what you’re about to read. The following paragraphs may forever change your life, or at least the way you think about ducks. From here on out, you will likely associate our webfooted friends with just one thing- Rape.
You may have heard some things throughout the course of your education, scholastically or otherwise, about the mating habits of ducks- their display of plumage to attract potential mates, that once that ideal mate is found ducks will stay in lifelong, monogamous relationships. All of those things are true. But those are only the happy endings. Problem is, come mating time, not all the ducks get paired off. So the remaining male ducks get together all Clockwork Orange style for some good old fashioned gang rape.
The male ducks (“drakes” for those keeping track) will surround and chase a lone female duck (“hen”) until one of them catches her, at which point they take turns forcing themselves on her while the others hold her down. They’re not gentle about it either. They tend to restrain the lady duck by stepping on or biting her neck, which can cause the hen to die of strangulation, or if they’re caught in the water, which is fairly common seeing as they’re ducks, drowning. This phases the drakes not at all. They will keep running a train on that dead hen until they all get their turn, which can take hours. And it’s got nothing to do with breeding either. Some ducks will gangrape other species of birds that it would be impossible to mate with, while some go straight prison style and rape other male ducks just for shits and giggles. One researcher observed two drakes flying when one hit window and died. The other duck swooped down and gay fucked that corpse for seventy-five minutes.
And if their penchant for homonecrophilia and forced sodomy wasn’t enough, a 2007 Yale study proposes that ducks have genetically evolved to become better at rape. I think it’s fair to assume you’ve probably seen a fair share of birds in your lifetime. But you ever seen a bird dick? Probably not, because the vast majority don’t have them. Because they don’t need them. 97% of birds, both male and female, just have an unassuming hole that they line up against their partners hole, presumably while basked in the moonlight and making that little heart shape that two swans do when they press their beaks together. That’s all fine and dandy if your lovemaking is consensual, but when your partner is fighting and squirming, it helps to have something to thrust into them, which is believed to be why ducks have penises. And as these hens have learned to run faster, those penises have just gotten longer. Up to seventeen inches, or twice the body length of some ducks, giving them the largest cock to body ratio of any advanced member of the animal kingdom. They also have some of the strongest retractile muscles, so that they essentially grab a fleeing lady duck with their penises and pull it back towards them like a frog catching a fly. And just to make sure she doesn’t get away, the duck penis has evolved into a hold fast corkscrew shape.
These specialized rape rods of the male ducks haven’t gone unanswered by nature however, duck vaginas have adapted as well. Similar to the anti-rape condoms worn by villagers in war torn Africa, the duck vagina has learned to twist in a corkscrew shape that’s opposite of that of the intruding duck dick when tensed, making this rape way more difficult and painful than it need be. And because a duck doesn’t like making rape babies any more than any other species, they’ve developed a second, fake vagina. Well it’s still technically a real vagina I suppose, it just doesn’t actually lead anywhere, meaning the eggs they lay and the genes they spread will ideally belong to that lifelong loving partner, not a pack of roving duck rapists.
And now you’ll never have to have an awkward lull in conversation during first dates again. Don’t say I never did you any favors.
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
Taking a cue from Dr. Phil, I finally take the first step in ending the silence on dogmestic violence by speaking out against the daily beratings from an angry lover.
From victim to victor, one day — and bruise — at a time.
And it’s official: I am thirteen years old.
